I want to tell the story of our sweet Harper Kindness. I don’t know how to begin telling the story of yet another sweet little one that we weren’t able to meet, but I will try.
This was the first pregnancy that I knew, KNEW, I was pregnant before even taking the test. I had been having some significant sensitivity to smells for a few days that struck me as odd (asking Evan if he’d actually brushed his teeth right after brushing), and then was beyond exhausted for 3 days. The first test I took was on Thursday May 6th, 6 days before I expected to miss my period. I started a new PCP and convinced them to test since they were drawing blood anyway. It was negative. I took another test Saturday after I was beyond exhausted, it was also negative. I told myself I wouldn’t take anymore tests until i was actually late. Buuuut, the next day on Mother’s Day, I thought it would be a fun day to find out, so I took an expired one that I found. Negative. But I ordered some new ones, and took them after bedtime when they came Monday night… this time POSITIVE! This was the first time I’d found out without Evan. I hadn’t told him I was taking tests. I’m not super sure why. We usually do these things together, but we were intending to be chill and I didn’t think taking a bazillion tests was that chill. But I got to tell him myself for the first time, which was special. I set up a camera and filmed me explaining that I’d figured out why I was so tired. He was THRILLED!!
I took another test Tuesday morning before calling the doctor. POSITIVE. My doctor’s office planned on waiting for me to come in for an 8 week ultrasound, but after explaining my history, they called in a blood HCG test. They didn’t send me the results til the next day. HCG 36. PREGNANT!
Evan and I stayed up late discussing if and when we wanted to tell anyone, but first and foremost the kids. We’ve always chosen to celebrate immediately and tell people right away to celebrate the life with us no matter how long we get the opportunity to have the baby. But, we really wanted to consider the impact of that on the boys. We discussed all the different scenarios, and decided that we wouldn’t want to hide this life from them even if that meant we couldn’t shelter them from the sadness. We thought it was important for them to see our real emotions no matter what happened and work through it all together.
We told the boys first thing Friday morning. Our oldest was delighted. He exclaimed “Are we going to be a QUINTET!?” He loves orchestras and so this was a big compliment. Our youngest didn’t seem to process the news at all, but our oldest asked questions and seemed genuinely excited.
We repeated the labs the next day (Thursday, 48 hours from the first level). After not hearing from them, I called on Friday and asked them to call me with the results because pretty much any outcome needed some level of followup given our history of ectopic pregnancies. They didn’t call. Spoke with the triage nurse, and she told me the results were in but I needed to wait for the doctor. She let it slip that the results were 34. This is really bad, it should have been in the 70’s, doubling every two to three days. The doctor never called. I called the after hours line. They didn’t call. I called back the next day, and finally got a response. They called more labs in for Monday. Believe me, I’m frustrated at their lack of responsiveness. It’s not great news, but it’s unclear what it meant. So much uncertainty. The triage nurse told me 34.
My whole body shuts down. I am instantly numb more than sad. I ask Evan if we did the wrong thing telling the kids, and he assured me that we’d considered this and want to walk through it together even though telling them would be hard.
Evan calls his parents to tell them the uncertain news while the kids and I nap. They pray for the baby.
When they wake up, we tell the kids what we know, which wasn’t much, just essentially that the doctor just says that the baby isn’t growing as fast as we hope. Our oldest prayed for the baby to grow “Dear Jesus help the baby grow fast fast fast”. I sob. The boys go back to playing trains.
My parents come over for dinner. We tell them the uncertain news. We talk for a bit, and eat some pizza.
I text some friends, Julie and Lauren, for moral support and to gauge whether I’m overreacting about not hearing back from the OB. I’m so thankful for how they support me from far away. Parenting together with them long distance is a gift.
Evan and I spend the weekend trying the best we can to sit in the uncertainty. I have some discomfort on and off, but it doesn’t feel cramping or any of the ectopic pregnancies we’ve had before so we just pray and wait.
While I’m in the office waiting on the labs on Monday, the doctor comes down and checks in and we make a plan to have them call me with the results that day. They never call. I call back before closing. They track down the results, and call me and tell me that my HCG has fallen to 5. The uncertainty is over. We are miscarrying. This emptiness feeling takes over. I just sit and stare at the wall before going to tell Evan. The boys are napping. When I tell Evan, we just both sit there silently for a long time. We sit together until the kids wake up.
We choose to tell them when they wake up. Our oldest was really sad, and started to cry. He shared that he was very sad because he really likes quintets and really wanted one. He has lots of questions about why the baby isn’t growing fast enough, why it’s growing too slow, why can’t it keep growing, etc. It’s hard. We don’t have great answers to these questions. When our oldest is really wrestling with things he just repeats questions over and over, sometimes with variation, trying to tease more of the nuance out. We keep answering as best we can and sit with him. He sits and talks about it for a long time. He eventually goes and plays, but comes back with questions a few times. Our youngest doesn’t really seem to acknowledge anything we’re saying, and getting down to play while we were focused with our oldest.
After bedtime and more questions from our oldest, Evan and I just sit, talk, and try to mourn. We find ourselves feeling more empty than sad this time.
Everything about this feels different. This is our first time walking through a miscarriage after having kids on this side of heaven. It’s different to walk through it with them. It makes me so much more grateful for the gift of their lives, and it leaves less space in some ways. Their inherent joy in the moment brings light into dark moments, and the need to continue to care for them keeps us moving. Even when bedtime comes and there is more room to pause, it’s still different.
This is my first medically uncomplicated miscarriage. Given the circumstances, I’m grateful not to spend time away from the kids or go to the hospital during this pandemic. It’s so different as it’s happening way more quickly than others. The extra devastating part for me is that for every other miscarriage we’ve always been far enough along to have an ultrasound. I’ve always clung to those pictures of our little ones, and feel really lost without it.
Evan and I always want to name each life. It’s always helped us to honor and connect with our babies. We chose to name the baby Harper in honor of the quintet our oldest longed for and the image of them playing a harp in heaven brings me comfort.
Evan suggested “Kindness” as a big theme in our lives and world right now. “Kindness is everything.” We want everything we experience to make us more kind, more gracious, more generous, more loving to our communities and ourselves. It’s especially kind of the Lord to save me the pain and the hospital separation of our other miscarriages this time.
As always, I come back to the song that has ministered to me during each of our losses - Out of Hiding by Steffany Gretzinger. This time, a different phrase stood out - “I loved you before you knew what was love” God’s love for me and for Harper is immeasurable, and I also see myself in that moment singing over Harper that I loved them before they even knew. I’ve also been ministered to by Maverick City Music’s “The Story I’ll Tell” and “Promises.” I thank God for the gift of music and how He has always ministered to my heart through song.
I’m so grateful to our friends who dropped off meals for us this week so we could focus on caring for ourselves and the kids. Thank you for serving our family and loving us so well!