Over the next few days, my heart just ached at the loss of our baby, but simultaneously, I did not feel sure of the doctors decision that this was a miscarriage. They did not show us any of the ultrasound results, and because of my PCOS condition dating the pregnancy is particularly difficult with very irregular cycles. Another important piece of back story is that my mom was told that she miscarried with my brother when in fact the doctors were confused due on her irregular cycles. So, my heart needed to be sure that this was real, and to be sure that inducing a miscarriage was not an accidental abortion. We decided to wait the 2 weeks, and ask our doctors for another ultrasound to confirm before choosing a procedure. This waiting period was brutal with the unknown results looming in front of us, but I knew I needed to be sure. So, my only prayer during this time was to pray for peace and confidence in the results the doctor would share. Sure, we could have prayed for our baby to be healthy and for us to not lose the baby, but when we had these thoughts we kept choosing instead to trust the Lord and His plan even when it hurts.
We both went back to the doctors 2 weeks later. Again, I’m so grateful that Evan has always been able to go with me to these appointments. When we were taken back for the ultrasound, the tech again attempted to be evasive. However, Evan and I just asked her to be honest since we already knew, and to please show us on the ultrasound what she was able to see. I was thankful she complied and was able to answer all of our questions about what we were seeing. She confirmed that we had, in fact, miscarried. They, again, sent us back to the waiting room. YES, the waiting room! Trust me, I will be having a conversation with them about this at a later time - herding confused and distraught people, on the break of tears, into your public waiting room is unacceptable. After waiting for the doctor for 45 minutes in the waiting room, we were able to have a conversation with her about our options. I felt pretty ambivalent myself, and Evan felt more comfortable with using medications to induce the discharge at home, which is what we did.
All in all, the Lord was so gracious in answer our prayer for peace and clarity. Evan and I both felt a peace and a sureness that that God was with us, even when it hurts. Insert a shameless plug for one of my favorite Kari Jobe songs that was an anthem for me during this time - Steady My Heart by Kari Jobe.